Visiting the Secret Garden

PHOTO BY CHRIS ROBINSON

The first time I read Nancy Friday’s MY SECRET GARDEN, I was nonplussed. I was seventeen years old, yet I had been raised with a copy of The Boston Women’s Health Book Collective’s OUR BODIES, OURSELVES as a coffee table book. Without an appreciation for the history of the women’s movement and its accomplishments in the decade and a half between the publication of Friday’s book and my initial reading of it, I found many of the fantasies silly and the women’s description of their lived sex lives pathetic. By pathetic, I mean that I felt the women suffered mentally and emotionally not due to societal pressures, but rather their own weakness. Being raised by a mother who taught me nothing if not to stand up for myself, I could not imagine a woman not doing this as an adult.

Reading the book as a mature woman, I have a renewed appreciation not only for the fantasies, but also the women’s lived experiences. There is so much sex in our culture and in the mass media. We don’t know, though, how much of what we see reflects what is going on in women’s minds. As I read through MY SECRET GARDEN, I could not help but wonder about women today. It occurred to me that I knew nothing about the fantasy lives of even my closest friends. This struck me as odd since we share significant intimate details on a variety of topics. For example, I know who uses what sex toys and who does not use any. We’ve discussed the merits of and advised one another about the differences between silicone versus glass. I know who enjoys porn, and who finds her husband sexiest when he’s emptying the dishwasher. I know who has tried having an open marriage, and who is not having sex at all. What I don’t know is what these women think about while they masturbate, while they have sex and whether their spouses know about their fantasies. It seems that where fantasies are concerned, there really is a secret garden.

To appreciate MY SECRET GARDEN in a modern context, I created a simple, five-question survey using the features available at SurveyMonkey.com. I collected seventeen responses from the thirty emails I sent to friends. With such a small number of respondents all from my circle of friends, there are no definitive conclusions that can be drawn about women in general. However, the information is definitely useful for asking more questions as part of an article about the state of women’s sexual fantasies today. The results are as follows: most women reported having sexual fantasies and that they employ them when they masturbate. Seventy-five percent of my little network reports using fantasies during sex with a partner, as well. However, less than half share their fantasies with their partners. The reasons given for not sharing were similar. Women, in one-way or another, expressed discomfort with sharing their fantasies, even with their sexual partners. One stated that she did not feel her partner would be interested.

I left a comment box so that respondents might provide whatever other information they thought might be useful or that they wished to express. Some of these were uplifting. Women said they had great sex lives or that they felt great about themselves in their sexual relationships. Others were heartbreaking. Some women reported scaring off lovers with their openness, the same as Nancy Friday described in her book. Others reported a lack of intimacy for sharing, or partners who were not comfortable with the women’s sexual thoughts.

At the time of its publication, MY SECRET GARDEN broke new ground. Friday states in her introduction that interviewees were often ashamed of their fantasies, or felt they were strange or that they were the only person to think such things. Many wondered if there was something wrong with them. My limited survey indicates that while the majority of women are more comfortable with their fantasies, with having fantasies and with their sexuality, there remain those who are stifled or fear that their fantasies are somehow not something they should be having or sharing. Women still do not want to openly share their fantasies with sex partners.

Bruce Springsteen has a song aptly titled, “Secret Garden.” In the song, he described a relationship with a woman and how she will open up her body to him, but also keeps her innermost-self hidden. Thus, Friday’s title still applies, as women’s fantasies remain mostly secret.

First published: http://www.hercircleezine.com/2011/06/16/visiting-the-secret-garden/