Rape Culture: Evidence for Consideration

Feminist scholars are often quoted in the lay press claiming ours as a “rape culture.” The basis for this is argued and often misunderstood. Simply stated, this means that violence and mistreatment of women is ubiquitous to our society and culture. No one wants to live with that reality, and because we lack the ability to meta-analyze the underpinnings of our culture, because it is what we live, we tend to dismiss it after lamenting its sorry truth. This is evident in recent headlines about the past behaviors of the Republican candidate for President of the United States, Herman Cain.

The scope of this article is not to discuss whether these allegations or claims are merely political weapons in an effort to derail a politician’s ambitions. Rather, my focus is to use this scandal and the statements made by Cain and others in support of him to prove the ways in which our culture demeans women. This is a “wake up” message, in a way, using a contemporary, current event to explore the concept of what is known as “rape culture.” Sexual harassment, in its essence, is unwanted sexual advance (amongst other things) and is a form of violence most often committed against women.

Herman Cain has a documented history of sexual harassment. Despite his denial of particular instances or allegations, and whether we want to use terms such as claiming him as being found “guilty” versus merely stating that claims against him were substantiated, the bottom line is that payouts were made in an effort at reparations for women who sought restitution for Mr. Cain’s actions. This is undeniable, as the paperwork exists to prove it in a government agency. Whether some of the other allegations that have now surfaced are true remains to be seen. Thus, regardless of whether anyone who wishes to see Mr. Cain elected wants to admit to at least two documented instances, they remain viable proof of serious, founded, evidentiary-supported claims of sexual misconduct, which warranted settlement.

Political pundits discuss all of this with an air of detachment. Their focus is on whether Mr. Cain can “recover” from the political blow this information causes his campaign efforts. They compare the situation to that of allegations against Bill Clinton in his bid for the presidency. Republican or “right” leaning radio talk programs claim the media as biased as they helped the public overlook Mr. Clinton’s dalliances in favor of a Democratic president. What do his personal issues have to do with him serving as president? How did his treatment of employees have anything to do with the job of President of the United States? These were questions that were asked. The Right wants to have these same questions posed of their candidate, Herman Cain.

All of this proves the rape culture and a culture of violence against women in our society. That people would even ask about overlooking a man’s treatment of women in favor of his abilities to run the country proves that women are still second-class citizens. The good of the country comes before victimization of women. That political pundits would ignore the situation of sexual harassment and merely examine allegations of sexual harassment in terms of whether a candidate can recover from them, also points toward an acceptance of this kind of behavior. The media supporting a Republican agenda and candidate is correct in asking how the leftist, Democratic-learning media can cry foul about Mr. Cain’s past while glossing over that of Mr. Clinton.

The ubiquity of acceptance of sexual harassment was driven home to me not by these political news reports, but rather by an advertisement for a well-known coffee and donut shop, especially in New England. A recent radio spot raves about the company’s hot chocolate as New England heads into winter. It uses subtle behavior that could be construed as sexual harassment to sell its wares. The commercial on the radio begins with a male, who we are to assume is a co-worker in the way the ad is set up, who asks something to the effect of, “Do you want to get cozy?” A female responds in a surprised and mock-offended manner. The male voice then claims he means with a cup of hot chocolate, professing his innocence in asking the question. The female acquiesces and responds affirmatively that coziness with hot chocolate is acceptable to her. The commercial ends with the male voice then asking the female to dinner, which she declines. This indicates innuendo, which, in a workplace, could be construed as sexual harassment, or at the least the beginning of what might come to be unwanted advances by a coworker upon another coworker. That we use innuendo that is linked to workplace behavior of a sexual nature in our advertising proves our acceptance of this kind of flirtatiousness that can lead to or be misconstrued as sexual harassment, depending on individual circumstances and specific situations. It is no wonder that Mrs. Cain can hear her husband make jokes about Anita Hill in response to the surfacing of his history of sexual harassment and still claim her husband incapable of such acts, as they would indicate disrespect for women, which she does not find within his character. It seems that if we continue to embrace or ignore behaviors that are related to violence or demeaning acts toward women in our candidates for president, and we use sexual innuendo in the workplace to sell hot chocolate, we cannot escape the rape culture in which we live.

As a parting thought, what if Herman Cain was purported to have said exactly what the male voice in the radio ad said to a coworker? We would deem the behavior reprehensible? Yet, do we even truly hear this same kind of thing when advertisements come on the radio, on television or in print? Do we recognize what we’d determine as offensive and dismissive toward women when it is part of advertising? It seems we only care when it can be helpful or harmful to the political candidate of our choice. These all serve as incidences of our rape culture, our society that is dismissive of women, especially where the needs of advertising or running the government are concerned.

First published: http://www.hercircleezine.com/2011/11/24/rape-culture-evidence-for-consideration/

Happiness is Learning

Another thing on my "favorite things" list is learning. I could be considered an addict where learning is concerned. I can't ever stop learning. It brings me joy immeasurable even while it is never sated. I guess that's the thing that saves me from it being a debilitating addiction. It's o.k. that it is never done, because the quest for learning itself feeds me something positive. The only negative is that I am distracted from some tasks in my quest for knowledge, or late to appointments because I'm reading...

I'm taking a graduate social work course this semester. We're learning about therapeutic modalities, and we've done a lot of journal article reading. These articles have lots of statistics, charts, and graphs full of coding information that is still a bit foreign to me. I'm definitely a qualitative versus quantitative researcher. Sure, those large-scale results are important. I am so glad someone ELSE does that work, just give me a good story any day! (Return from tangent...) The articles were informative, showing efficacy of using particular modalities with specific populations. They gave lots of details about how the modalities work and described them in detail.

It was all "good theory" to have. Then, the presenter my professor scheduled for class did something magical: he took all that "stuff" I've read for a couple of weeks and whipped it into something practical and something that made sense. It was that "a-ha!" moment I so love in learning. Now, I get it. I see how all this works, where it applies, how it applies, and I am elated, walking on air. I'm excited for my future. I'm driven to succeed and just amazed that I am learning this stuff.

It's not just my class, either. I love to read and learn things. I cannot live without learning. I question people who are learning-resistant. I don't understand that kind of thought process. Sure, there are things I do not learn, like mathematical concepts, unless they apply directly and specifically to my life. I have my preferences secured in the humanities. Yet, I don't care what or where it is, learning is part of my fiber. If I had to think about those "sum yourself up in a single word" kinds of questions we all abhor at interviews or on applications, at this point, I realize I finally have a word for myself. What am I? Who am I? I'm a learner. At the most base level, that is what and who I am. And, I am so very happy, grateful, joyful to be a learner.

"Now I See the Moon" Book Review and Reflection

NOW I SEE THE MOON BY ELAINE HALL

When I first received NOW I SEE THE MOON by Elaine Hall with Elizabeth Kaye (Harper, 2010), I was taken aback. I’d been in contact with a person in Harper’s publicity department, and explained that I’d be glad to review books she thought might work well for inContext. A memoir about a woman whose child has autism did not seem like something that would work. Besides that, I had zero interest in reading about autism. Autism was something other parents I knew dealt with, and something about which I was otherwise blissfully unaware. The title of the book intrigued me, though, and so I opened the cover to find that the author chose the title due to her appreciation for a quote I, too, happen to find meaningful: BARN’S BURNT DOWN—NOW I CAN SEE THE MOON, Mizuta Masahide. This connection allowed me to put aside my preconceived notions of what else I might find in this book. Am I ever glad I gave it a chance!

While NOW I SEE THE MOON is definitely a must-read for any parent whose child has a disability or special needs of any kind, and especially autism, it is also a compelling story of a strong, independent, incredible woman. Once a child acting coach, Hall adopted a Russian orphan when she learned she could not conceive and carry a child of her own. We see her marriage fall apart as the stresses of a special needs child exposes the cracks that were in the thin veneer of her relationship with her first husband. Even as Hall loses her mother, attempts many times to “cure” her son and then is finally divorced, we see an indomitable spirit shine through it all. Just when you believe Hall’s optimism is superhuman, she reveals herself a whole, and thus flawed, striving and beautiful human being.

Once divorced, Hall goes out with friends and is seated next to a man she finds attractive. She attends a sing-a-long showing of a musical film, and describes the scene:

THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE, WE LAUGH AND SING. AT ONE POINT I THINK, “WHAT A CUTE GUY.” BY THEN, I’M SINGING SO LOUDLY AND BEING SO ‘OUT THERE’ THAT I WONDER IF I OUGHT TO BE A BIT MORE “LADYLIKE” AND TONE MYSELF DOWN. BUT INSTEAD OF HARKING TO MY INNER CRITIC, I HEED A VOICE WITHIN ME THAT SHOUTS, “YOU MUST NEVER HOLD YOURSELF BACK. YOU CAN NEVER, EVER AGAIN MAKE YOURSELF LESS THAN YOU ARE TO PLEASE A MAN.” SO I STAY BIG AND LOUD, AND WE LAUGH AND JOKE. LATER I’LL LEARN THAT JEFF IS ATTRACTED TO ME PRECISELY BECAUSE I’M SO OUT THERE, AND UNINHIBITED.

This is one example of the strong, independent woman we find in the author as we read this extraordinary memoir. At the same time, Hall is human and when she and Jeff date for a time and then part ways, she is hesitant to meet up with him again. She describes how she makes sure she has appointments within an hour of their meeting time so that she is forced to move on and not linger, yet she dresses in a way she believes he’ll find attractive. She admits to us as readers, “You can see that my attitude about seeing him is kind of mixed up.” Even while she does not edit herself when seeking a partner, she is just as confused as anyone might be with mixed feelings when the relationship seems to have ended, yet there exists some promise of it continuing.

Despite the fact that Hall was financially dependent on her first husband, and when they divorced she suffered financially and emotionally since she gave up her career to care for their autistic child, she is still willing to consider marriage again due to the nature of her relationship with Jeff. When they do marry, she says,

THIS TIME, I DON’T WANT TO BE THE “WIFE.” I LIKE THE TITLE “PARTNER.” PARTNER IS JUST THAT, AN EQUAL. FOR ME, THE TERM “WIFE” CONJURES UP GENERATIONS OF SUBSERVIENCE, OF GIVING UP “ME” TO BE LOVED BY “YOU.” I HAVE WORKED TOO HARD, TOO LONG, TO GIVE UP EVEN A SMIDGEN OF MY LONG-FOUGHT-FOR IDENTITY. PARTNER, I AM. PARTNER, HE IS. PARTNER, WE DO. MY TASK, AND MY PRIVILEGE, IS TO CHERISH MY PARTNER FOR EXACTLY WHO HE IS.

While Hall never talks about being a feminist, it is apparent in the way in which she has a life before her first marriage and a rewarding career, as well, that she has an autonomous spirit. When she talks about her attitude about marrying again, she is definitely ensconced in valuing herself as a person individually and not just as someone else’s spouse. She and her husband, Jeff, are coming together not to form a whole from something otherwise incomplete, but rather to form something greater than either of them alone.

NOW I SEE THE MOON was surprising in these ways and more. It is a testament to one woman’s strength and sense of self within a set of extremely challenging circumstances. I reiterate that while the book is described as being a story of a parent’s struggle and ultimate acceptance of the diagnosis of autism, it is so much more than that. I not only learned a lot about autism and autistic behavior, which will serve me well as I encounter parents of autistic children or people who are on the autistic spectrum directly, I was also treated to a riveting memoir of a modern woman, who is a woman before she is a mother, the mother of an autistic child, wife, advocate, child acting coach or any other role Hall might take on in her life.

First published: http://www.hercircleezine.com/2011/12/22/now-i-see-the-moon-by-elaine-hall/

Victoria's Secret Models: Too Ethereal, Not Realistic and Not Athletic

COPYRIGHT DENNIS MOJADO WWW.PHOTOGRAPHY.MOJADO.COM/ARCHIVES/2005/02/16/ANGEL_BACK.PHP

Much attention has been given to the diet undertaken by Adriana Lima, a Victoria’s Secret model, in preparation for the company’s annual fashion show. Many media outlets covering the story criticize the diet’s extreme wherein Ms. Lima cuts out solid food, consumes only liquids and does not even drink water for twelve hours before the event. While it was stressed that the model works with a nutritionist during her dieting phase, others questioned the diet regardless.SHAPE magazine spoke with a nutritional expert for his opinion of the regimen. Mike Roussell, PhD claimed the diet was not harmful long-term, yet he also stated, “I wouldn’t recommend this diet to anyone.” He then points out that there are athletes who, before a competition, follow extreme diets, cut water intake and pursue extreme fitness routines. Later in the SHAPE article, Roussell admits the digestive tract will stop working and require a slow change back to normal eating after such extremes.

I looked into various websites that have information about wrestling fitness, a sport wherein Roussell claims people do things like the Victoria’s Secret models, such as ceasing water intake before a weigh-in. Most of the sites I found strongly advised against such tactics. They focus more on proper nutrition and hydration for optimal performance. Athletes are warned against attempting drastic water weight-loss, in fact, due to the negative health impact dehydration has on the body.

Personally, I see a big difference between someone training for an event of physical exertion and one training to wear outlandish costumes that offer unrealistic depictions of the female form. A wrestler training for a match works on strength, skills and tactics. He or she works toward being in top physical form to use his or her body in a competition that pits muscle form, skills and mental fortitude against an equal rival. With whom is the Victoria’s Secret “Angel” in competition? For what is she training herself? Her entire goal, it seems, is to be “thin enough” that the company will continue to pay her exorbitant amounts of money to parade around in what one might call underwear. (Judging by the previews of the show, no one wears this stuff off the runway, though. It wouldn’t fit beneath most clothing, for one thing.)

COPYRIGHT MICHAEL DORAUSCH WWW.FLICKR.COM/PHOTOS/CHIROPRACTIC/3564206998

I believe there’s a difference between my friend who trains to run marathons, who has a muscular yet thin body, and a Victoria’s Secret model. My friend is thin due to her level of physical activity, and she does not do anything extreme before the marathon itself. She isn’t running merely for her physical form, but rather her health long-term and her feeling of accomplishment at completing such a challenging athletic event. I would be willing to bet that most marathon runners would be considered too muscular and/or too “heavy” for modeling, in fact. This is what I find so wrong with the advertising, fashion and modeling industries.

When will advertisers stop using images of women that are entirely impossible, even for women like Ms. Lima, who are born with genes that allow them to be quite thin normally, which is still not thin enough? Even these top models cannot maintain that “image” on a regular basis. I suppose there is some solace in Victoria’s Secret referring to these women as “Angels” since the company clearly indicates the ethereal nature and lack of corporeal existence of their models through this nomenclature.

First published http://www.hercircleezine.com/2011/11/17/victorias_secret_models/

From the Doll House to the Punk Rock Stage

Stephanie Keuhnert writes a haunting tale about abandonment in her novel, I WANNA BE YOUR JOEY RAMONE (Simon & Schuster, 2008). Set in the nineties punk/grunge music scene, the novel will remind anyone who came of age during that time of the soundtrack of his or her youth. The story is not just about the music scene of Nirvana and Social Distortion fame, but rather music is the setting for a drama about family relationships.

Louisa feels responsible for her role in the death of her violent boyfriend. Years later, her continued guilt over this event causes her to leave her husband, Michael, and their infant daughter, Emily. Louisa believes she is not a good enough person to raise a baby and make a life with Michael. She runs from her memories and finds herself merely in a more painful present and future, with nothing but regrets littering her past, which takes her all over the United States. Emily grows up thinking her mother left to follow her passion: punk rock. She is told a story about her mother being too big for the small town in which Michael raises Emily. The story falls apart as Emily herself faces similar circumstances and rebels into the drug, alcohol and casual sex-fueled world that is rock n’ roll. For most of her teen years and into her early twenties, Emily pretends she’s not searching for her mother, yet every song she writes is a message in a bottle that she hopes Louisa will find.

We see that Louisa is blamed for abandoning Emily, and for Emily’s multiple tumbles into volatile relationships and drug abuse. Her father, Michael, is painted as a saint, a man who wears his wedding ring for over twenty years without ever having heard from Louisa. He is portrayed as having done the best he could, given the situation, and escapes blameless for not picking up on the alcohol abuse or promiscuous behavior Emily exhibits starting around age thirteen. Emily’s best friend, Regan, whose mother, Molly, was Louisa’s best friend, is the only adult who sees yet does not stop the self-destructive behavior, either.

Why is Michael not shouldered with some responsibility for his daughter’s behavior in her early teen years? Why is he not admonished for his ignorance, which has to be self-induced, since he was a part of the same scene, wherein he met Louisa? It is clear in the book’s tone that the author doesn’t think there is anything strange or wrong with the father of a teenager who allows her to be out all hours of the night, to hang out at an abandoned building where there is under-age drinking, violence, drug use and sex going on every night there is a band playing.

No, it is the mother’s absence that is seen as the problem. The daughter’s lack of counseling in her youth to deal with the loss and her father’s inability to move on from heartbreak are not issues. If only the mother had not left. For, it is not the mother’s broken person for whom we might feel sympathy, but rather only her abandoned husband and daughter. When Emily’s self-destructive behavior continues into her early twenties, we still don’t blame her for not growing up and becoming responsible for herself. No, we see her as a little girl inside, impetuous, and flighty, and all because her mommy left long before she even knew her.

Like in Ibsen’s A DOLL’S HOUSE, (see July 21, 2011 inContext) women have reasons for leaving when they do. Sometimes it is to discover a self they never knew or never allowed to develop. Sometimes it is to escape pain or to run from a past they feel they might escape by leaving. Whether one finds reason or justification for such behavior is irrelevant. What needs to be addressed is the blaming of the woman for everything that happens to those left behind. So, I leave inContext readers with a rhetorical question: At what point does the present and future become the responsibility of the remaining parent, or the child him or herself? This question not only applies to those who have been left by a parent or spouse, but might also apply to other areas wherein we’ve suffered past hurt. By asking the question in this way, the blame is moved from the woman/mother who left, and responsibility is given to those remaining, so that they might heal and make a life with less rather than more pain.

First published: http://www.hercircleezine.com/2011/11/10/12859/

Pyrex Baking Dishes = Happiness

So many friends of mine are doing a little gratitude thing for the month of November on Facebook. They’re listing things each day (and people!) for which/whom they’re thankful. Rather than a gratitude list, per se, I was thinking about things that make me happy. I say that because I had just read someone’s listing for the day, and had just finished washing dishes, and thought about the following:

You know how Pyrex dishes can get “stained” with something weird? It’s not like they’re dirty, and there are no “chunks” (Ewww!) yet they’ve got some kind of dark mark in an otherwise unseen blemish in the glass. O.k., so you are either with me on this or not. Regardless, I was thinking about how I just love washing my Pyrex even though it has a couple “stains” that just won’t come off, even in the dishwasher. I think about all of the good things that get baked in those dishes, and it reminds of me happy, wonderful memories of family meals. It makes me think about my son teaching himself to bake, about my daughter making brownies for friends and about reheating leftovers from even meals we’ve eaten out as a family. Stained Pyrex means we’ve spent years using the same “old” pan, nourishing our spirits along with our bodies as we sit and process the day. 

Women: Bearing Children and the Responsibility for the World's Population

While driving to an appointment on Wednesday, October 26, 2011, I listened to an interview with Babatunde Osotimehin on the BBC News Hour. Dr. Osotimehin is the United Nations Population Fund Executive Director. He made some comments that I think bear further reflection. Upfront, I recognize and state that I am taking his comments out of context. However, the way in which we talk about things is related to how we think about them, so words matter. Dr. Osotimehin claimed that the U.N. is working with the governments of countries with extremely high birth rates to empower, educate and provide women with access to reproductive services and family planning. Specifically, Dr. Osotimehin stated that, “when we empower women” they “make the right choices” and “that population does go down.”

I won’t reiterate the string of obscenities that flew at the radio from my mouth as I negotiated my way onto the highway in heavy traffic. What I will discuss herein is the misguided ways in which all sorts of problems are handled where population growth, birth control, access to abortion and women’s empowerment and education are concerned. Dr. Osotimehin needs to know that until men are also educated, and refrain from subjugating women, all the education and access in the world won’t make a difference for the women themselves. His comments also indicate that population control is the responsibility of women in the world and that men are not part of the equation. Why is there not an effort to educate men about monogamy, about having a single spouse and about using birth control that they control, such as using a condom? Condom use would not only keep the birth rate down, but would also keep sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS, from being transmitted.

Rather than leaving it as the “elephant in the room,” I will point out that the countries with population problems, per Dr. Osotimehin’s own report and those of his colleagues at the U.N., are also the countries in which HIV/AIDS is most prevalent. It is not just women who need empowerment, education and access to reproductive services and family planning, it is men who also need to change their thinking about women, who need education and who must be a partner in family planning and disease prevention. Women should not be the only people to bear the burden of birth control, in addition to either bearing a child or seeking abortion services. Dr. Osotimehin’s description of women who take/use birth control and choose abortion when they find themselves pregnant as having made “the right decision” is offensive. The responsibility for population growth, disease and hunger cannot rest with women alone. Why are women being relied upon to, “make the right decision,” which will slow birth rates, when men are not also being asked to make any kind of “right decision” about their own actions?

Dr. Osotimehin’s words put women in the seat of responsibility, so that any failure to prevent pregnancy or birth is their personal failure. He has forgotten that women need a partner in order to become pregnant. In nations where birth rates are high, there are high rates of HIV/AIDS, as I´ve already pointed out in the paragraph above. In addition, these nations are those in which the subjugation of women is the norm and where women have few rights or few avenues for controlling their lives and bodies. Until the men of these nations are educated, change their present social mores and choose to be responsible themselves, women will continue to suffer. Dr. Osotimehin’s words merely indicate another way in which women can be controlled and used as a means to an end. Encouraging women to take responsibility for birth control and the options for terminating undesired pregnancy is not empowerment, it is control and coercion in just the opposite direction. Unless women are truly empowered to be autonomous human beings, they will move from being used by men to being used by governments.

Language is important. When we talk about empowerment, that word needs to be defined as autonomous control. It should not be part of a coercive campaign to further burden women with the desires of governments or United Nations councils. I agree with Dr. Osotimehin that if women were indeed empowered in nations where birth rates are extremely high, they would automatically seek education and they would automatically seek to control birth rates in an effort to protect their own health and well-being, as well as that of their already living children. However, I also believe that when we talk about solving issues such as HIV/AIDS transmission or birth rates, we need to include men in the conversation. Men need to be active participants in preventing disease transmission and reducing birth rates. Women cannot be held accountable for these issues while men are not. Women should also not be blamed and language around these issues needs to be carefully chosen so that women are not forced to make decisions while men are not asked to actively engage themselves or change anything about their own behaviors and attitudes.

First published: http://www.hercircleezine.com/2011/11/03/women-bearing-children-and-the-responsibility-for-the-worlds-population/