NOW I SEE THE MOON BY ELAINE HALL
When I first received NOW I SEE THE MOON by Elaine Hall with Elizabeth Kaye (Harper, 2010), I was taken aback. I’d been in contact with a person in Harper’s publicity department, and explained that I’d be glad to review books she thought might work well for inContext. A memoir about a woman whose child has autism did not seem like something that would work. Besides that, I had zero interest in reading about autism. Autism was something other parents I knew dealt with, and something about which I was otherwise blissfully unaware. The title of the book intrigued me, though, and so I opened the cover to find that the author chose the title due to her appreciation for a quote I, too, happen to find meaningful: BARN’S BURNT DOWN—NOW I CAN SEE THE MOON, Mizuta Masahide. This connection allowed me to put aside my preconceived notions of what else I might find in this book. Am I ever glad I gave it a chance!
While NOW I SEE THE MOON is definitely a must-read for any parent whose child has a disability or special needs of any kind, and especially autism, it is also a compelling story of a strong, independent, incredible woman. Once a child acting coach, Hall adopted a Russian orphan when she learned she could not conceive and carry a child of her own. We see her marriage fall apart as the stresses of a special needs child exposes the cracks that were in the thin veneer of her relationship with her first husband. Even as Hall loses her mother, attempts many times to “cure” her son and then is finally divorced, we see an indomitable spirit shine through it all. Just when you believe Hall’s optimism is superhuman, she reveals herself a whole, and thus flawed, striving and beautiful human being.
Once divorced, Hall goes out with friends and is seated next to a man she finds attractive. She attends a sing-a-long showing of a musical film, and describes the scene:
THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE, WE LAUGH AND SING. AT ONE POINT I THINK, “WHAT A CUTE GUY.” BY THEN, I’M SINGING SO LOUDLY AND BEING SO ‘OUT THERE’ THAT I WONDER IF I OUGHT TO BE A BIT MORE “LADYLIKE” AND TONE MYSELF DOWN. BUT INSTEAD OF HARKING TO MY INNER CRITIC, I HEED A VOICE WITHIN ME THAT SHOUTS, “YOU MUST NEVER HOLD YOURSELF BACK. YOU CAN NEVER, EVER AGAIN MAKE YOURSELF LESS THAN YOU ARE TO PLEASE A MAN.” SO I STAY BIG AND LOUD, AND WE LAUGH AND JOKE. LATER I’LL LEARN THAT JEFF IS ATTRACTED TO ME PRECISELY BECAUSE I’M SO OUT THERE, AND UNINHIBITED.
This is one example of the strong, independent woman we find in the author as we read this extraordinary memoir. At the same time, Hall is human and when she and Jeff date for a time and then part ways, she is hesitant to meet up with him again. She describes how she makes sure she has appointments within an hour of their meeting time so that she is forced to move on and not linger, yet she dresses in a way she believes he’ll find attractive. She admits to us as readers, “You can see that my attitude about seeing him is kind of mixed up.” Even while she does not edit herself when seeking a partner, she is just as confused as anyone might be with mixed feelings when the relationship seems to have ended, yet there exists some promise of it continuing.
Despite the fact that Hall was financially dependent on her first husband, and when they divorced she suffered financially and emotionally since she gave up her career to care for their autistic child, she is still willing to consider marriage again due to the nature of her relationship with Jeff. When they do marry, she says,
THIS TIME, I DON’T WANT TO BE THE “WIFE.” I LIKE THE TITLE “PARTNER.” PARTNER IS JUST THAT, AN EQUAL. FOR ME, THE TERM “WIFE” CONJURES UP GENERATIONS OF SUBSERVIENCE, OF GIVING UP “ME” TO BE LOVED BY “YOU.” I HAVE WORKED TOO HARD, TOO LONG, TO GIVE UP EVEN A SMIDGEN OF MY LONG-FOUGHT-FOR IDENTITY. PARTNER, I AM. PARTNER, HE IS. PARTNER, WE DO. MY TASK, AND MY PRIVILEGE, IS TO CHERISH MY PARTNER FOR EXACTLY WHO HE IS.
While Hall never talks about being a feminist, it is apparent in the way in which she has a life before her first marriage and a rewarding career, as well, that she has an autonomous spirit. When she talks about her attitude about marrying again, she is definitely ensconced in valuing herself as a person individually and not just as someone else’s spouse. She and her husband, Jeff, are coming together not to form a whole from something otherwise incomplete, but rather to form something greater than either of them alone.
NOW I SEE THE MOON was surprising in these ways and more. It is a testament to one woman’s strength and sense of self within a set of extremely challenging circumstances. I reiterate that while the book is described as being a story of a parent’s struggle and ultimate acceptance of the diagnosis of autism, it is so much more than that. I not only learned a lot about autism and autistic behavior, which will serve me well as I encounter parents of autistic children or people who are on the autistic spectrum directly, I was also treated to a riveting memoir of a modern woman, who is a woman before she is a mother, the mother of an autistic child, wife, advocate, child acting coach or any other role Hall might take on in her life.
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