In FULL FRONTAL FEMINISM: A YOUNG WOMAN’S GUIDE TO WHY FEMINISM MATTERS, (Seal Press, 2007) Jessica Valenti demands that I “Hyphenate, bitch!” if I want our children to share the same last name as my spouse and me. She claims that changing your name is an ownership indicator, demonstrates that “you are not your own person,” and then says, “hyphenation is the new black.” Her final instruction is less militant. She asks merely that we consider the idea before just going ahead and changing our names without thinking about it.
If hyphenating your name is the “new black,” I hope she means black plague, so it goes away. To me, hyphenating is a one-generation stop gap to the issue of last names in families because my daughter as “Claudia Green-Robinson” marrying someone with the last name “Lewis-Clark” is going to produce a grandchild with more names than would ever fit on a driver’s license or diploma and might exceed even the extended names of royal families. Using a last name as a middle name is a great way to carry on a family name. However, hyphenation merely seems to solve the issue for you, and it then creates bigger issues for your child.
At one time, changing from your father’s name to that of your spouse (who was also definitely always a husband because your spouse could only be male), conveyed ownership “rights,” and you were considered property of one man and then another. Today, that is not the case in developed countries. I also do not believe changing your last name upon marrying indicates a loss of identity, especially for most women. If you have a professional career or extensive publishing history, sure, changing your name might be problematic. However, there are plenty of authors and artists who marry and legally change their last names, yet keep their “known” last name for publication and purposes such as that. It’s not like it is an “all or nothing” prospect. Your driver’s license and tax return list your married name and your books or canvases or film credits show your publicly familiar name.
Looking at history, the meanings of all kinds of things change in time. A hundred years ago, a Gay Gala was a happy, festive event entirely unrelated to gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender issues. Today, you’d expect to receive an invitation to a “Gay Gala” only from an equal marriage organization or LGBT rights organization. The word would be used ironically, of course, and still not mean what it meant historically. Changing your last name upon marriage is much the same way. It does not indicate an exchange of your person as property. It also does not mean that you are not your own person. For me, changing my name invited a new identity that I desired: that of wife (spouse) and life partner that was legally recognized and socially sanctioned. I felt like taking my husband’s name, especially in the early 1990s when it was vogue to keep your name or hyphenate, was a way for me to demonstrate my commitment to our marriage. What did he do to show his commitment in such a way? Well, he was committed enough that he was happy that I was happy to share his name. While on paper it sounds sexist that he “wanted” me to have his name, the reality is that he was honored that I wanted to share his name. Hence, he was equally committed since he didn’t want me to keep my own last name. He never assumed I’d change my name, yet he was happy that I wanted to share a last name. It was another way for us to both be joined.
Some couples with hyphenated names create an entirely new last name from portions of the names they have. Some choose a single name because it is simpler, or continue the hyphenation thing, with the spouses each choosing one of their parent’s last names and then combining just the two. Friends of ours made that choice and remain happy with it.
While I agree we should all think about things before we just do them, especially if we’re doing them just because they are social norms and not because they continue to make any sense in our lives, I also believe that the name game is something deeply personal. It is a really good pre-marital discussion topic, as other strong beliefs and feelings are connected to this issue. Having a good, long talk, and talking more than once about one or both people altering his or her name will bring up things like tradition, family values, feelings about commitment, and autonomy. These topics lead to all kinds of other important values-based discussions, which are a great way to begin a marriage with a solid foundation of shared, or at least fully understood, beliefs and with principles of equality. While I am not a fan of hyphenating, personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with keeping your name, your spouse taking your name or you taking your spouse’s. To answer my question as the title to this post: what’s in a name? Apparently, quite a bit!
First published: http://www.hercircleezine.com/2011/09/29/whats-in-a-name/
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