Since we married, my husband and I have contemplated moving away from New England. With family in the area, however, and children who arrived within our first three years of marriage, we decided to stay in place. We planned on moving once our children were grown. Our children are now in high school, and so we look at our options for moving within the next five years.
So, when I heard about Louise DeSalvo’s book, ON MOVING, I hoped it would give me some insight into moving, and help me look deeper at reasons and expectations. The book definitely provided personal insight, and I recommend it to anyone contemplating a move for whatever reason. In addition to discovering more about myself as I read, the book provides thought-provoking information with anecdotes about moves made by famous writers, including those that were for better or worse.
DeSalvo wrote about Henry Miller and his move to Paris. Many, including Miller himself, believe this move helped him develop into the author he became. Miller credits the French with honoring and respecting him as a writer, whether he was published or not, and their attitude that “didn’t regard poverty as a sign of moral failing.” DeSalvo says that while Miller “was often lonely in Paris, he never felt alienated.” When I think of the situation women face in the United States, we are often alienated, regardless of our decisions. These can sometimes be related to pursuing art, but are also just as likely to be decisions like having a family or not and working or not working once we decide to have children. It is the isolation that drives women mad, as so many tales, both fictional and nonfictional confirm.
When women choose to work and not have families, they often find old friendships lost when friends take a different path. Then, if they choose to have families and work or not work, again, they lose friends and thus support. Working mothers, especially, have combined pressures of living up to expectations at work and then their own (and possibly also others’) expectations at home and with their children. Who has time for friends? And, when they talk with bosses or colleagues, they’re pressured to put work first, while when they talk with friends or family, they feel pressure to put family first.
Our culture demands that women have “lives of their own” and yet are available as mothers to their children. Additionally, rather than food stamps, fuel assistance or other public programs, if their husband’s salary doesn’t support their home and family, a woman is expected to work to contribute. There is that “moral failing” as a clear message in our social fabric.
The book also made me think about and want to know more about how many moves are either undertaken or not to accommodate the work or other needs of women in households versus those for husbands’ jobs. Studying military social work last fall, I read about how the non-military spouses, mostly women, have to move so often due to their husbands’ jobs. For those called to active duty, that sometimes necessitates a move because housing and childcare are inadequate when the father/husband leaves the current living environment. DeSalvo wrote about how she and her mother moved while DeSalvo’s father was away serving in the military in World War II, so that until they moved again upon his return, her father never felt like the space was “his.” Other than in situations like that, I wonder whether moves are ever as demanding of men as they are of women.
Have you had a move that you desired that proved to be different than you expected, for better or worse? Let us know in the comments section below.
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