"Presents" of Mind

First published at http://www.hercircleezine.com/2012/12/20/presents-of-mind/ December 20, 2012.

Each year, I cannot help but be disturbed by the holiday season and the demands for donations of gifts from all over. It’s as if “not getting something” was akin to having a fatal disease with the fervor expressed by the campaigns for gift donations. From toy drives to “adopt a family” programs, we seem to collectively view not having presents as sacrilege. Why this time of the year? What about birthdays or other milestones? What about doing something radical about poverty, hunger and need in our country to eradicate them entirely?

I have complex feelings about how we perpetuate a consumerist culture and society through the importance placed on gifts. I am also perplexed at having children from poverty-stricken families ask for video games—that are typically $60 each—when that clearly means the family not only has the $300+ gaming system, but also obviously a television and electricity. The ages of the children involved, and including parents is equally perplexing to me. I can see if someone would be without a winter jacket, yet cannot see the possible “benefit” of frivolous things like more-expensive-than-regular-soap bath products that seem to be popular requests.

It’s not that I believe people should “go without” or that we cannot feel “poor” by the standards of our specific community. For a good portion of my children’s lives, we rented a home in an affluent town in Massachusetts. An example of what I mean about feeling poor by community standards is this: one holiday season, my husband and I had saved enough money to purchase iPods for our children rather than having them share the Shuffle we won at a holiday party several years before. We got them a few other small gifts like books and some candy for their stockings. The iPods were their “big” gift and something they were definitely not expecting given our financial situation. They were both thrilled with their iPod Touches, which were the lower memory versions as they cost less. When my daughter went to school after the holidays, she found that most of her classmates and friends received iPod Touches as stocking stuffers and the first generation of iPad or a laptop or another extravagant gift as their “big” gifts. So, by community standards, our children were definitely “lacking.” At the same time, we by no means felt our lives were lacking.

I realize that living in a particular community one may feel less privileged or underprivileged by comparison. At the same time, I believe we must always keep this in perspective, and be aware of what true poverty means and how fortunate we are by worldwide standards of living. This year, with me enrolled in full time graduate school, thus working fewer hours at my three part-time jobs, and with one child in college, expenses have increased while income has decreased. We face a very limited budget this year for the holidays. In fact, we rely on the hope that my husband will receive a holiday bonus, and this is what will be used to purchase anything we decide we will do for the holidays. I know what our income level is in relation to the poverty level. We would likely “qualify” to participate in these gift programs ourselves this year. Yet, instead of asking for luxury items from others, we discussed with our children the riches we feel we do have: health, education, heat, housing, food and one another. We talked about not contributing to the debt cycle like those who charge gifts only to be burdened by bills long after the shine has worn off something new. We talked about how not opening a gift in December is not the end of the world, regardless of the Mayan calendar! (So, there was another thing we have that money cannot buy: a sense of humor and shared laughter.)

We also talked about other cultures and religions and how the gift drives, toy drives and adopt-a-family-once-a-year programs all negate anything outside of Christianity. There are no programs for Jewish families who may be struggling to provide eight nights of gifts. And, what of faiths and cultures in our country and our towns and cities that do not have a holiday in December? This, of course, brings us full circle to the needs of families and individuals the whole year round.

How is this rant part of feminist critique? Well, if feminism is really about equality for all, then we cannot look past and not consider the larger context for holiday gifting programs and how they promote consumerism or how they exclude everyone who is not of the Christian religion. We cannot, on a daily basis, look past the overstuffed vehicle in a parking lot that clearly houses at least one person, or the often invisible needs of families for food and heat. We must sustain presence of mind about issues of inequality and oppression in all arenas and refrain from making ourselves feel good about giving presents once a year.

"Cemetery Girl" Book Review and Reflection

“Cemetery Girl”

First published December 13, 2012 at http://www.hercircleezine.com/2012/12/13/cemetary-girl/

CEMETERY GIRL by David Bell is about a twelve-year-old girl who goes missing and is returned to her family four years later, at sixteen. The story is told from the point of view of her father. His history is complicated, and has an impact on how he deals with his daughter’s disappearance, and her return. So as to not ruin the plot or suspense, I’ll suffice to say that our worst nightmare may not be the kidnapping of our child, but rather what we learn upon his or her return. While every parent of a kidnapped child wants nothing more than the return of that child, the fact remains that the experience renders every family member changed.

What stays with me as the result of reading this book are the questions that we ask ourselves as parents, as well as the questions we would like to avoid. We all consider when we might allow our children to walk to the park alone, or walk home from school or to a friend’s house. We check with friends, consider our own childhood experiences, and think about the safety of our current block, neighborhood, city or town. We track milestones, possibly mark a wall in a closet or the casing of a bedroom door with physical growth. We keep report cards to measure our children’s academic success and progress. We may cherish and simultaneously regret the first day of kindergarten, graduation from elementary school, the first day of high school and high school graduation. We worry and celebrate the first date, the first time they take the car out alone after getting a license, and freshman year of college.

Some of us talk about sex. We have the “birds and bees” talk, or leave a book on puberty on the night stand in our child’s room. A few of us address burgeoning sexuality, and attempt to normalize the feelings our children may have. How often do we talk about sexual development outside of the girls-develop-breasts-and-get-their-periods and boys-grow-hair-and-get-deeper-voices-and-may-experience-nocturnal-emissions? Yes, it is that awkward and silly, isn’t it? It is extremely challenging for parents to consider the sexual identity of their children. Especially in the United States at this point in our culture and society, our children are no longer children once we consider sex. Or, they remain children and are patronized, even when their burgeoning sexuality becomes obvious. There are the pregnancies and bladder infections that are also discovered to include chlamydia. Even then, most parents don’t address the sexuality of their children. It’s like the pregnancy is the thing we deal with, and we ignore the “how” of it. It’s that we address the antibiotics, and maybe even talk about the importance of condoms, without ever really talking about sex itself. We only talk about sex with our kids as part of reproduction, or when we’re warning them away from it.

What CEMETERY GIRL reminded me of is the fact that there are a lot of unhealthy views of sex and we pass these along to our children. It perpetuates generation after generation. We don’t want to consider that our eleven-year-old children, male or female, may be exploring their bodies, and discovering the pleasures that can be found within them. That’s “too early” for such talks in the minds of most parents. Or, we’re in denial. We say, “Well, other kids may be like that, but my daughter/son is so innocent!” In some instances, that is true. When my daughter took a class sponsored by the local Unitarian Universalist Church entitled “Our Whole Lives,” or “O.W.L.,” there was a girl from her class at school who cried every time the class was held. She was the same age as my daughter, yet was definitely not ready for the information presented.

The point of this article is to encourage us all to know our children. What I mean by that is actually “get to know” our children, rather than assuming that we do. We have to let our children know us, too. No, we don’t have to share details of our sexual lives. Rather, we need to be open, really open, to talking with our children, to figuring out the difference between kids who say, “Oh, no, not more sex talk,” and otherwise handle the information well when we have the talk after talk after talk, and the kids who really aren’t ready for the conversation—truly, and that it’s not us who isn’t ready. We have to make ourselves ready for conversation, too. We have to be honest with our kids. When a friend said she was envious of my ability to talk openly with my own children about sex and sexuality, I told her it was perfectly okay that she wasn’t comfortable, actually. All she had to do was be honest about this with her kids. She didn’t know how to react when her daughter asked questions that she was not sure how to answer. I told her it was okay to let her daughter know that she had no idea how to respond. And, it is. It’s okay to tell our kids that we’re not sure how to answer their questions, or that we may not have the answers, but also that we’ll get them. It’s okay to let our kids know that we want to talk with them, but that while we want a relationship that is more open than that which we had with our own parents, we, too, sometimes may be embarrassed or unsure as to how to talk about topics we find difficult. We must promise them that we’ll work on our own issues with open sex talk as we work on the topics they bring to us. And, we have to uphold that promise.

For a suspenseful read, that will leave you thinking long and hard about what you know about your children, what you may or may not want to know, and how important it might be to have the hard talks, check out CEMETERY GIRL. It’s left me thinking about what I even consider “my worst nightmare” and how having our dearest wish fulfilled can sometimes leave us with more questions, with unanswerable questions, and questions that we don’t really want to have answered possibly. CEMETERY GIRL is suspenseful and compellingly told, from an interesting viewpoint with a very different outcome than the typical thriller in this genre. It will also leave you thinking about your own children, or nieces and nephews, and asking important questions.

Are We Brave Enough?

First published Dec. 4, 2012 at http://www.hercircleezine.com/2012/12/04/are-we-brave-enough/

The allure of princesses for little girls cannot be denied. And neither can the ambivalence or straight-out abhorrence some mothers feel towards those same princesses. The focus on some prescribed external beauty and a delicate femininity is difficult for many women to swallow as their little girls prance past in frilly gowns, plastic high-heeled shoes and glittery accoutrement. Some assert the princess-ing of our daughters is not harmful in the least while others believe thinking it harmless is dangerous to those little girls’ developing ideas of what it means to be a woman today. And maybe the clothes and accessories in and of themselves are not particularly harmful. Perhaps the dress-up is a simple exploration in normal childhood imaginative play and role-playing. It can be argued, however, that the danger arrives with the contextualization of the ideas of princess through literature and especially the Disney depiction of princesses in their movies. The Disney Princesses have become pervasive in our culture—from the repetitive watching of the movies and spin-off television shows to all the accompanying merchandise, the Princesses have been difficult to avoid for watchful mothers for the past generation.

The Princesses have not done much to assert themselves as strong female role models. Their passive roles in their own stories, their need to be rescued by the Prince, their primary self-actualization ascertained through attaining that same Prince in marriage. In many of the stories, the Princesses neither fight nor work for what they glean in the end. They represent stereotypical gender roles, stereotypical ideals of femininity, a singular kind of girliness which polarizes gender in a world that ultimately encourages women to seek equal ground with our male counterparts in our personal and professional relationships with them. Additionally, the gender polarization effectually marginalizes any child (regardless of gender) who does not fit the mold.

BRAVE, the latest Disney/Pixar release, might be a film in which the contemporary paradigm of princess is challenged. While BRAVE, does begin with a terrifying scenes of a bear attack and then follows the Disney tradition of establishing a horrible mother figure, the film does contain redeeming qualities. Near the beginning of the film, Merida, the princess, is shown riding off on her horse for a day wherein “she can change her fate.” Merida is entering her teen years, when she is to be betrothed. She does not wish to have marriage foisted upon her, and she also wants to make her own way in the world.

In some respects, the old “women-are-the-weaker, yet-more-intelligent” sex stereotypes are at play. At the same time, Elinor, the queen, is not portrayed as overly voluptuous, and when she makes order of the brawling clans in the throne room, she does so with her commanding presence. Both her strength of character and her demand for respect come through. Late in the film, Elinor in a guise as a bear, attempts to sneak through the throne room to her chambers where she and Merida will “mend the bond that pride has broken.” This will be achieved by Merida sewing back together the tapestry she destroyed in a fit of rage at her mother and Merida herself commands the presence of the men in the room. Again, here, there is a reverence for Merida’s presence, and there is not a hint or whiff of the male gaze as being commanded by her female form. For these instances of women commanding attention, and not with their corporeal forms, but rather from a position of respect, the film deserves kudos.

In the end, Merida says, “Our fate lies within us. You only need to be brave enough to see it.” She might seem to be talking to herself, and to other young women who might break with whatever traditions that do not serve them. However, mothers might be remiss if they do not also hear Merida’s reminder. Our fate does lie within us, and our daughters’ fates lie within them. We must be brave to raise our daughters and to support our sisters and friends to find their own ways within themselves. We must also not allow our own worries and fears to cloud the vision of our daughters’ fates when they bravely attempt to reveal them to us.

At the same time, our daughters might realize that as mothers we can turn into metaphorical bears as Elinor’s actual form does in the film. We are brave enough to raise our claws and risk our own lives for our daughters. We will protect our daughters fiercely, like nature demonstrates with a mother bear and her cubs. We try to differentiate when to resort to “tooth and claw” and when maintaining decorum is required.

For many reasons, BRAVE might not be the “feminist film” we might have hoped for when we saw the previews of the brazen young woman riding bareback, shooting arrows directly to the bulls-eye with every pull on the bow. But it contains more depth of character in the female characters than that of Disney Princesses past. Feminism wears many faces and is not just about girls taking on what are considered traditionally boyish feats. Feminism can also be the strength of women like Elinor, who command respect for their intellect, and maybe even sew tapestries in their spare time. Being feminist is about what Merida says at the end of the film—it is being brave enough to see the greatness inside ourselves and to manifest it in the world. It is about being brave enough to support our sisters, friends and daughters as they, too, look bravely within, draw upon the strength of mother bears they find inside themselves, and manifest that strength in the world.

Melissa Corliss Delorenzo contributed to this article. 

Emma Darwin, a Life Imagined

November 29, 2012 by Kate Robinson

REPRODUCED WITH PERMISSION FROM JOHN VAN WYHE ED. 2002-. THE COMPLETE WORK OF CHARLES DARWIN ONLINE. (HTTP://DARWIN-ONLINE.ORG.UK/)

As we examine women’s contributions to history, we must be careful not to overstate or inflate their true involvement. With November marking the anniversary of Darwin’s publication of ON THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES, I wrote an article about Emma Darwin after reading that she was the deciding factor in Charles’ Darwin’s publication of the book. I was amazed that Darwin placed the manuscript for his monumental work into Emma’s hands, and more or less told her that he’d destroy the pages if she thought it heresy, since evolution flew in the face of their strong and shared religious beliefs. Thus, while Emma is known to have said that she felt what Charles was publishing would condemn them both to hell, she is claimed to have approved it regardless. Not only did she approve it, she made margin notes and asked questions or pointed out places that needed clarification.

It seems that some authors have taken what was essentially an editorial role, one played out by spouses throughout history, and claimed it for much more than it was. When I requested permission to use the image of Emma Darwin included herein, I mentioned my astonishment at the story, and received a reply from a Darwin scholar who was just as astonished. Dr. John van Wyhe, who is the director of The Complete Work of Charles Darwin Online, wrote asking for my reference source. I sent him back the author’s name of a book about the Darwins. His reply confirmed that Emma’s influence and contributions have been overblown, and are a myth perpetuated like others about Darwin. He confirms that such rumors have been republished in a great many sources, and thus seem valid for their repeated publication. However, says Dr. van Wyhe, that does not make them true. (For a graduate student, this warning is apropos, and reminds me to seek a more reliable or first-hand source for information, rather than trust paraphrasing on behalf of another researcher.) And, in my own defense, since I had never heard this story before, and assumed it was another case of women being belittled in historical accounts, I sought the author’s source, which I could not find. Thus, I feel especially glad that I was prescient enough to mention the purpose and subject matter of the proposed article when I requested permission to use the image.

I know that I asked back in September that we demand from historians and academic publishers the whole story of history. I asked that marginal peoples be included, whether those were women involved in early union formation, stories from the black perspective in the civil rights movement, or various other minorities whose names are not famous and whose contributions are all but forgotten. However, I also do not want mountains made of proverbial molehills. We don’t need to imagine influence. Rather, I ask that the everyday experience of individuals who lived in particular times be considered. This makes me think of the DIARY OF ANNE FRANK. Her diary is not remarkable for any reason other than that she lived in an extraordinary time and recorded in her diary her lived experience as a Jewish person, and that the journal survived and made it to print. These are the stories of history that we need so that we understand the past in a way that helps us imagine and bring forth a better future. We don’t need fake, embellished or exalted stories. As with the relationship between Sally Hemmings and Thomas Jefferson, we may never know the reality of it or any of its truths. We may never know whether Emma Darwin had much influence over Charles’s publication of ON THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES like we know that Tabitha King weighs in on Stephen King’s stories before they reach the eye of a professional editor. As we seek to increase our knowledge not just of dates, places and famous male names, we should not make more of women’s contributions for the sake of imagining greatness. The plain story, like Anne Frank’s, is just as significant when viewed as a part of the overall history of a time and place.

Joy Harjo’s Poetry—Something for Which to be Thankful

First published November 22, 2012 at http://www.hercircleezine.com/2012/11/22/joy-harjos-poetry-something-for-which-to-be-thankful/

KATE’S KITCHEN TABLE, IN DETAIL

There are so many things for which I feel thankful. The poetry of amazingly talented women writers is one of these. It was over eight years ago that I first read Joy Harjo’s PERHAPS THE WORLD ENDS HERE in a book about Thanksgiving and creating family rituals to celebrate. To me, Thanksgiving is about gathering people together, sustaining one another with love and sharing the good fortune we have of plentiful food, and a home open to family, friends and strangers alike in which we may share such bounty.

Another other thing for which I’m thankful is the kitchen table. Joy Harjo captures the essence of the table in her poem, PERHAPS THE WORLD ENDS HERE, which she has graciously allowed me to reprint herein. My kitchen table (pictured in detail) with the paint, glue, marker and indentations from my children growing, creating, learning and discovering at it fills me with gratitude. At one time, my husband and I considered refinishing the table once the children were grown. Now, we cherish the marks. They remind us of the stages of our children’s lives. We revere the table itself, and give thanks for its solid-footed presence, its offering as a place and space where we are nourished, fight, make memories, dream and…oh, let the poem say it much more eloquently:

Perhaps the World Ends Here
By Joy Harjo

THE WORLD BEGINS AT A KITCHEN TABLE. NO MATTER WHAT, WE MUST EAT TO LIVE.

THE GIFTS OF THE EARTH ARE BROUGHT AND PREPARED, SET ON THE TABLE. SO IT HAS BEEN SINCE CREATION, AND IT WILL GO ON.

WE CHASE CHICKENS OR DOGS AWAY FROM IT. BABIES TEETHE AT THE CORNERS. THEY SCRAPE THEIR KNEES UNDER IT.

IT IS HERE THAT CHILDREN ARE GIVEN INSTRUCTION ON WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN. WE MAKE MEN AT IT, WE MAKE WOMEN.

AT THIS TABLE WE GOSSIP, RECALL ENEMIES AND THE GHOSTS OF LOVERS.

OUR DREAMS DRINK COFFEE WITH US AS THEY PUT THEIR ARMS AROUND OUR CHILDREN. THEY LAUGH WITH US AT OUR POOR FALLING-DOWN SELVES AND AS WE PUT OURSELVES BACK TOGETHER AGAIN AT THE TABLE.

THIS TABLE HAS BEEN A HOUSE IN THE RAIN, AN UMBRELLA IN THE SUN.

WARS HAVE BEGUN AND ENDED AT THIS TABLE. IT IS A PLACE TO HIDE IN THE SHADOW OF TERROR. A PLACE TO CELEBRATE THE TERRIBLE VICTORY.

WE HAVE GIVEN BIRTH ON THIS TABLE, AND HAVE PREPARED OUR PARENTS FOR BURIAL HERE.

AT THIS TABLE WE SING WITH JOY, WITH SORROW. WE PRAY OF SUFFERING AND REMORSE. WE GIVE THANKS.

PERHAPS THE WORLD WILL END AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, WHILE WE ARE LAUGHING AND CRYING, EATING OF THE LAST SWEET BITE.

I want to specifically recognize Native Americans who do not necessarily view Thanksgiving in the same way as those whose ancestors were immigrants to this country. I do not wish to appropriate Joy Harjo’s poem and use it to gloss over the genocide of Native Americans and celebrate what many consider a specifically American holiday. Rather, outside of the historical context, may this day be one on which we feel sincere gratitude, especially for Native Americans who welcomed many of our ancestors, even though those ancestors eventually betrayed the generosity extended to them.

On this Thanksgiving of 2012, I wish you joy to sing at your own table, and hope your suffering and sorrows are few.

PERHAPS THE WORLD ENDS HERE was originally published in THE WOMAN WHO FELL FROM THE SKY, W.W. Norton, 1994.

"Sweet Hell on Fire" Book Review

 First published at http://www.hercircleezine.com/2012/11/15/sweet-hell-on-fire-a-memoir-of-the-prison-i-worked-in-and-the-prison-i-lived-in/ on November 15, 2012.

I read Sara Lunsford’s SWEET HELL ON FIRE: A MEMOIR OF THE PRISON I WORKED IN AND THE PRISON I LIVED IN, and loved this very different kind of memoir from a woman writer. Sara is promoting the book with a Virtual Book Tour this month, and inContext is happy to be a part of that. I had a few questions for Sara about the book: its contents, the writing process and her forays into publishing, which she kindly answered. As part of the Virtual Book Tour, inContext is pleased to announce a BOOK GIVEAWAY! Submit a comment on this interview and be entered to win a copy. The book will be mailed the first week of December, with names drawn November 30, 2012.

Kate: What was the most difficult thing as a woman working in corrections?

Sara: Most people would think that it would be getting used to seeing hundreds of naked men a day. That really wasn’t a big deal for me. We all have bodies and they all have to be washed, dressed, etc. What was the most difficult for me was I had to learn not to apply the behavior patterns of most of these men to all men. There are good and bad people, male and female, in prison and out. I had started to paint everyone with the same brush.

Kate: What do you think needs to be done to make corrections work more welcoming for women?

Sara: Let me preface this by saying I know so many women who do The Job and do it well. I’d trust them with my life. But no one else needs to do anything to make corrections welcoming for women EXCEPT WOMEN. There are already adequate laws and policies in place. The perception that women are a risk and don’t belong in the environment isn’t going to change until so many of us stop getting involved with inmates and endangering our fellow officers. It isn’t always women that get caught up, but the majority of incidents with officer/inmate relations are women.

On the surface, it may seem like this isn’t a big deal. Aside from being a sex offense, because no one in your legal custody can consent to sexual activity, it leads to violence. This happens either through the introduction of contraband, inmates wanting the same thing other inmates are getting (sex, special privileges, etc.), or if the officer breaks off the affair. Riots have been started for less and that situation puts everyone’s life on the line.

Kate: How has your experience as a correction’s officer affected your life today? 

Sara: It’s affected me in so many ways. What I went through both personally and professionally was a baptism by fire. Those experiences made me actively choose the life I want and the person I want to be.

I took some of the little quirks of the job with me. I never sit with my back to a door, I won’t eat food I’ve left unattended, and I’m always planning in my head for any situation that could arise out of whatever is happening to me at the moment.

It’s made me a better writer, not only where craft is concerned, but it’s prepared me for people who don’t like my books and want to tell me about it personally. After having three hundred guys make disparaging comments about everything from my hair to the size of my butt, someone disliking my book is kind of passé as far as my ego is concerned.

Kate: Was the process of writing the book cathartic?

Sara: It was most certainly cathartic. I didn’t think it would be. When I started writing, I thought it was going to be just like telling the other stories about things that have happened to me. It wasn’t. After I got into the meat of the project, there were times it was like picking open an old wound, but cutting deeper. Catharsis happened when I realized that everything that had happened to me had been for a reason. Seeing this project as a whole gave me purpose: to help other people. 

I know that there are people who have gone through worse than what I went through, people who are suffering and think it’s never going to get better. But it did for me. I came through. I’m still here. I am living my best life. If I can help them do the same, then it was worth it.

Kate: How did publishers react to your book? 

Sara: My agent and I did a round of submissions and we got a lot of great feedback. The subject material was too gritty for some. My book opens with me on my hands and knees in someone’s brain matter. That’s a tough read, but it’s how things happened. I didn’t sugar coat anything.

I actually did have one rejection that stayed in my head for a while. The editor said that she thought the “heroine” (me) was a know-it-all in the beginning and a know-it-all at the end and she didn’t learn anything and that was boring. That floored me because I learned so much about myself, love, redemption, forgiveness. The days in this book totally changed my life—me.

I’ve had a lot of people say that I’m strong, but I don’t know if that’s the case. I’ve just lived the life I’ve been given, tried to fix my mistakes and ultimately decided to be happy. But I’m not worried about receiving support. I’d rather be the one giving it. I’ve already crawled out of that pit. Yeah, some bad things happened to me, but they’re over and done with. They can’t be undone. I’m at peace with that. So the best thing, the right thing for me now is to have a voice for those who don’t and try to help others where I can.

Kate: Thanks for being so open with us and sharing your experiences. I wish you every success with your Virtual Book Tour.

Sara: Thanks so much for having me at Her Circle.

Book Giveaway
Leave a comment at the bottom of this inContext interview anytime from November 15th-30th in order to qualify for a chance to win a copy of SWEET HELL ON FIRE: A MEMOIR OF THE PRISON I WORKED IN AND THE PRISON I LIVED IN. Entrants must be 18 years or older with an address in Canada or the United States. No purchase is necessary. The winner will be chosen randomly and notified by November 30, 2012. Her Circle Ezine respects your privacy and does not share email addresses with third parties.

Gains Made by Women in the 2012 Election

First published at http://www.hercircleezine.com/2012/11/08/gains-made-by-women-in-the-2012-election/ November 8, 2012

We women went out and voted in record numbers in the election this week in the U.S. Women of all colors, ethnicities, races, socio-economic statuses and sexual orientations voted to re-elect President Obama. Likewise, women’s votes (and women candidates) made great strides with states like New Hampshire sending all women senators and representatives to Washington, and also electing a woman Governor. Landmark evens like the election of Massachusetts’ first female senator in candidate Elizabeth Warren and the election of openly lesbian candidate Tammy Baldwin were standard in this election instead of a single incidence across the country. The voices of the less-often-heard-from were heard loud and clear in the act of voting.

Maine, Washington and Maryland passed laws adding these states to the number that allow same-sex marriage. Minnesota defeated a measure that would have defined marriage through a Constitutional amendment as between one man and one woman. While the fact that these things come to a popular vote on a ballot remains disturbing, steps forward cannot be denied with these positive results.

Republican candidates who make bogus claims about biology, which they clearly do not understand in even the most rudimentary manner, were ousted from positions and lost their elections. Those who would claim that “legitimate” rape (a phrase some of us are still wondering about the meaning of) cannot result in pregnancy were schooled on what happens when their views about abortion itself get taken to an extreme and demonstrate their ignorance of basic biological science. Those who claimed that women who underwent abortions after discovering pregnancies after rape were punishing the child or not valuing “God’s gift,” learned that not only are women tired of men trying to determine what goes on in their bodies, but also that we’re tired of being blamed as victims of what is a violent crime.

As if all of this news about gains made by women in office was not enough, I want to share something personal about this election. At 1:43a.m. EST on November 7, 2012, while I listened to news reports and the President’s acceptance speech, my daughter who is away at college sent me a text saying, “For the first time, really, I am proud to say I’m an American! And, it feels so good to be able to say that!” At that moment, I thought back to September 11, 2001 when the terrorist attacks occurred. That was when my daughter’s faith in her country began to wane—at the ripe age of six! Over the years, she has been grateful for our country and its freedoms, for the efforts of our troops in every conflict throughout history and for keeping us safe at home. She has appreciated the open discussion even if it has turned nasty at times. She’s appreciated the freedom to express her opinion, and realizes the privilege it is to live in a country where she, as a woman, will be able to vote at eighteen, and can seek not only education, but also have an almost equal chance at finding a job with that college education as a woman. (Some might argue that she’d be more likely than a man to get a job, while others would say that she’d get the job, but only because she’d work for 77% of what a man would be paid for the same position.) These (and more) benefits of being a citizen of the United States have not been lost on her. However, in this election, even more than in 2008, her hope (yes, that word from the Obama campaign) that real change can occur has been realized. She has not only come of age when this nation elected the first African American President, but also then re-elected him, and sent more women into Congress and various legislatures across the country. Here’s to you, women voters of America!

Progressive Nuns?

First published October 18, 2012 at http://www.hercircleezine.com/2012/10/18/october-11-2012/

Like many feminists, I never thought I’d use the word “progressive” to describe Catholic nuns. However, after learning about the Leadership Conference of Women Religious (LCWR), I have to say that I’m amazed at the work of this group. While connected to the Catholic faith, LCWR works to promote women in the Catholic religion as leaders. The group also participates in humanitarian efforts. Another surprise is that this group expands the focus of “right to life” issues to include working toward the eradication of hunger, repealing of the death penalty where it exists, and stopping war. Additionally, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious believes that fetal rights are not the only consideration where abortion is concerned. And, the LCWR hopes to influence the Catholic Church in its acceptance of homosexuality to welcome all peoples rather then condemning them.

PHOTO: DAVID MOJADO

These stances are indeed radical for Catholicism and have placed the LCWR at odds with the Vatican. In fact, American bishops have been sent by the Vatican to oversee the organization to attempt to bring the group into line with what the Vatican considers the Church’s teachings. Specifically, the Vatican charges the LCWR with going against Church doctrine on issues related to homosexuality, birth control and what they consider radical feminist thought that stems from the organization. To their credit, the LCWR is more than willing to begin a dialogue with the Vatican about Catholic doctrine, yet (no surprise here) the Vatican would rather issue mandates versus discuss anything at all. This stance proves that the Vatican remains anti-woman, of course.

The Leadership Conference of Women Religious believes the Church must evolve (pun intended—I couldn’t help myself!) to meet the society and culture in which we live today. The nuns who are part of the LCWR claim that their work at the front lines of humanitarian efforts put them in touch with the lives of people as they are lived, not as one might merely desire them to be. For over forty years, the LCWR has advocated for the ordination of women. Much of that time, the group has been relatively silent about their desire for leadership. Even while they are publicly silent, leaders with the LCWR continue to ask themselves and one another about what it means that the Vatican and church leadership seem to fear women and not value their leadership potential.

The most surprising aspect of what I learned about the Leadership Conference of Women Religious is that while many in the group work toward asking women to choose to continue pregnancies over aborting them, there are a significant number of nuns who consider the rights of those already born as just as important and significant as those of the unborn. The LCWR claims that policies and positions that are pro-fetus versus pro-life need to be reconsidered. They consider hunger, war and the death penalty as just as important to the Catholic conversation about being pro-life as abortion.

Even as I remain an atheist feminist, I find it encouraging that women, who belong to what are considered anti-women faiths, still work toward empowering women within their faith. That the Leadership Conference for Women Religious continues to ask for not only power, but also a dialogue with the Church on issues related to their experience working with people directly is inspiring. I’m not sure I’d have the patience to work so tirelessly for decades, and I admire the faith of the nuns in the LCWR that allows them to remain committed to their religion even as they work to change it so that it reflects more of who they are rather than merely accepting the doctrines of Catholicism on blind faith.

Some Assembly (and Possibly Some Revision) Required

First published at http://www.hercircleezine.com/2012/10/25/october-18-2012/ on October 18, 2012. 

In Annie Lamott’s SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED (with Sam Lamott, Riverhead Books, 2012), the author writes, “To have mothered this young father fills me with visceral feelings of awe, joy and dread.” This statement sums up my own feelings about parenthood. I’m regularly awed when I consider the growth of my children over the years. Sure, you don’t notice each day specifically, that quarter inch of height or the reduction of the curved belly of toddlerhood into the taught stomach of adolescence. Yet, when you stop and consider your child, at whatever stage or point of development, both physical and otherwise, you can’t help except be awed at the utter strangeness of it all, even as it is mundane and expected. It’s like watching a sunrise or sunset, really. I mean, sure the sun is going to rise and set, yet when we take the time to see it, that, too, can be visceral and awesome.

This “visceral” nature of parenting is what I believe is at the heart of this past summer’s “having it all” hoopla. Arguing against brain chemistry having much to do with male and female response to what is perceived as “danger” for their children, I believe it is social conditioning. Men take “flight” and go to work (and remain there) in response to the needs of their children. Women, in contrast, are socialized to “fight” and to remain at home (or at their children’s school or hospital bedside) and to leave work behind.

So, what is feminism supposed to make of both the male and female visceral feeling of parenthood? I think feminism needs to lead the discussion to our social and cultural mores and normalize the different responses to parenting exhibited by individuals. We cannot see fathers who work as supporting families and mothers who work as abandoning them. Maybe as we watch Marissa Meyer take the helm of a major corporation even as she becomes a mother to another child, we don’t judge her or say she’s setting us all up. Maybe her response, though culturally and socially outside the norm for women, is to charge headlong into work upon delivering, in the same way we would laud a man for doing. At the same time, we need to make room for more men to join the ranks of the stay-at-home parents, who remain in place with their young children, rather than go off to work.

In order to accept and commend both roles, a sea change the likes of which all this debate of “having it all” has been about is required. That sea change, though, is not just business and government enacting policy. The sea change is Lamott’s visceral feeling. We must open our hearts and minds to these differences in individuals, and not claim they’re mandated by gender. We need to revise our thinking about the value of unpaid work in this world. We need to value the care a home requires, and the care required by children. This way, we don’t give everyone the “right” to work, while still demeaning the caregiving role.

Voting and Issues Related to Birth Control and Abortion Access

First published October 11, 2012 http://www.hercircleezine.com/2012/10/11/voting-and-issues-related-to-birth-control-and-abortion-access/

PHOTO: THERESA THOMPSON

Jennifer Granholm, former Michigan governor, television host and visiting professor at the University of California at Berkley, wrote about what she calls sexual McCarthyism of legislative efforts since the 2010 election in the federal and state congresses. Toward the end of her article, she cited opinion polls that show President Obama ahead of all Republican candidates amongst women voters. She wrote that women “may need to fight the same fight their grandmothers fought in the 60’s.” Lastly, she says that women will be out en-force to vote in the next election, assuming that the votes from women will go to pro-woman, progressive candidates.

While I realize that opinion polls are used far and wide in coverage of election issues, and help candidates decide on which issues they should focus or highlight in campaign materials, I’m concerned about the gender-specific nature of the rhetoric about the upcoming election in the U.S. where funding of Planned Parenthood and legislation around abortion access and birth control are concerned. Sure, not too many of our grandfathers were necessarily promoting access to abortion in the same numbers as our grandmothers. There weren’t so many grandfathers out there advocating for birth control access, either. It was a different time, and yes, I will use that pat phrase to sum up what would take several articles to address as to the actions (or non-actions) of many men around these issues that certainly have an impact on men just as much as they do on women.

I will ride this tangent for a moment, though, as I consider why more men are not out there writing about and advocating for women’s access to abortion and birth control. What is your first thought about a man who stands up on a sidewalk or walks in a march carrying a “pro” birth control pill banner? Well, plenty of guys who do this kind of thing are accused of desiring less responsibility for themselves. The same holds true for abortion. Any man who “advocates for” or supports abortion rights might be viewed as someone who merely wants the woman to “take care of” an unplanned pregnancy. In these two areas, men can’t win. If they’re against either, they are seen as against women. I believe that men should not have a say in what I do with my body. No man should have any say about me using birth control to avoid pregnancy. Not a priest, not the president and not even her husband should have any say in whether a woman continues a pregnancy either. That said, men are then caught in a quandary as they may be called upon to support offspring they never intended. And, THAT said, I believe that the decision must always rest with the woman, and so that any man engaging in heterosexual sex must be aware of the possible consequences. He must be ready to embrace either the loss of his potential child or the prospect of supporting a child he does not necessarily want. That’s just part of being a responsible partner in heterosexual sex.

Now that I’ve given men a “free pass” where public advocacy is concerned for abortion or birth control issues, that doesn’t give men an excuse to not become part of the political movement to which many women, including Ms. Granholm (and this author) belong. We need men to not only run the risk of being accused of controlling women in the opposite manner when they advocate for birth control and abortion access, but also to get out and vote for candidates who are going to protect and not jeopardize women’s need for greater access and less restriction for both birth control and abortion. The U.S. election is less than a month from now. Vote to protect the rights of women.

"Odd Girl Out" Book Review and Reflection

Last week, we looked at Title IX and the impact it has had for women on the playing field, in the classroom and in the faculty offices of colleges. While I mentioned poverty as a place from which stories are not often told, in addition to the contributions of women to causes, there are other “minority” statuses that are often excluded. One of these is the status of non-white women in sports and in college, and the other is the marginal position of lesbian women. This week, we’ll look at ODD GIRL OUT, which was a pulp novel and yet which voiced the feelings of many women in the 1960s.

Ann Bannon is the pen name of a woman author who published a series of books about young lesbian coeds in the late 1950s and early 1960s. Her books, of course, flew under the radar of serious reviewers, yet gained a steady following and readership. Like books today that baffle publishing houses and professional reviewers alike, the popularity of the “Beebo Brinker Chronicles” also surprised even the author herself. Bannon wrote from her experience, fresh out of college, with suspicions about her classmates’ sexual orientation, and a curiosity about a way of life that she did not dare consider seriously herself.

Bannon’s books captivate readers and researchers, who marvel at the early forays into the lesbian experience that her books explore. Readers find kindred, albeit dated, spirits in characters such as Laura in ODD GIRL OUT. These young women found themselves disarmingly not attracted to men, and just as disarmingly attracted to women. Their lesbian experiences were often quiet amongst women themselves, some of whom were merely experimenting with what, especially at the time, was “safe sex” where they would not earn a reputation. For others, these experiences were an awakening to the sexuality that confused them, and that they had attempted to deny. For this reason, the early inklings of lesbian leanings, as presented by Laura in ODD GIRL OUT, allowed many readers to finally feel normal about their own feelings of love for and attraction to women.

Bannon writes in the introduction to ODD GIRL OUT that she was touched by letters she’d receive from women who thanked her for making them feel normal—finally. She shares with us that the women who wrote to her expressed gratitude for her frankness, which helped them have hope for love in their own lives. The author admits that she, herself, used her characters to explore what she felt was also forbidden to her. She could be a butch lesbian through a character in a book, and she could experience lesbian love and sex this way, as well.

Reading ODD GIRL OUT, and especially Bannon’s introduction, I am reminded (again) of the stories of women being marginalized. Even as lesbianism and bisexuality is touted as “hot” in the mainstream world of young women today, it is through the lens of male beholders and for male entertainment. Lesbians, especially those who do not conform to the standards of femininity in our society, still face the discrimination and marginalization they always have endured. Books like ODD GIRL OUT give voice to lesbians coming to terms with their burgeoning sexuality, as they normalize the feelings of these women—feelings that are personal, internal, connected to the heart and not lesbianism as public display for entertainment.

The other aspect of ODD GIRL OUT I’d like to discuss is the fact that as we have more acceptance of alternative sexuality than ever before, some of this labels men and women, when in the past it did not. Bannon’s character, Laura, discovers herself as a lesbian. However, her female partner, Beth, while she enjoys her sexual exploits with Laura, is ultimately not a lesbian. In decades past, men engaging in sexual acts with men in adolescence were not labeled. Female junior high, high school and college students could engage in same-sex interactions, and actually never think of themselves as lesbian. Today, it seems, if one even “practices kissing” with a classmate or friend, sexuality comes into question right away. I think that as we move toward acceptance and understanding of varieties of sexuality, we need to resist labeling until we are more developed. It seems quaint to read about Bannon’s characters engaging in same-sex interactions, even while many of them never questioned their end-game sexuality. Certainly, women may learn that their friend with whom they practiced kissing grows up to embrace a lesbian lifestyle, while she embraces that of heterosexuality. This should also be considered normal development.

This is the last of my four-part series exploring the books required for a U.S. Women’s History course offered by the University of Maine, Farmington. I’ve invited students from the course to contribute guest posts later in the semester to inContext, so we may hear some fresh voices that further explore some of the topics we’ve covered. I hope readers of inContext have enjoyed this series, and are heartened that rather than the standard U.S. History course in college, that the University of Maine at Farmington includes this offering, which is a more inclusive and personal history, and tells the story of ordinary lives and people, especially women, who have made great strides and contributed a great deal to the status of women in our current society and culture.

First publication: http://www.hercircleezine.com/2012/10/04/part-4-of-u-s-womens-history-odd-girl-out/

"The Boy Kings: A Journey Into the Heart of the Social Network" - Book Review and Reflection

In THE BOY KINGS: A JOURNEY INTO THE HEART OF THE SOCIAL NETWORK (Free Press, 2012), Katherine Lossedescribes her experiences working at Facebook shortly after it began and moved into office space (after its birth in a Harvard dorm room). If you’ve seen the film THE SOCIAL NETWORK, you know that Facebook began as a way for Harvard males* to “find” eligible females, and to also rate women based on their appearance. That Losse would not realize that she was entering the proverbial “heart of darkness” where women are concerned when she took the job at Facebook seems suspect. Yet, to the author’s credit, the book is not actually about the sexism rampant at the company, at least in the early days. It is more a series of rhetorical questions that she asks herself, then answers in the book as she poses the same questions for us to answer for ourselves. Losse admits that she long harbored thoughts of writing about Facebook, and I wish she was more upfront and less ambiguous about that intention (like Ted Conover who became a correctional officer to write “from the inside” about that role). *I FIND IT DIFFICULT TO REFER TO THEM AS MEN AND YET ALSO DON’T WANT TO COME ACROSS AS DEROGATORILY DISMISSIVE AND CALL THEM BOYS.

As described by Losse, network definitely describes Facebook, yet social? She questions the idea that we can be truly, or more accurately, authentically social on-line. This is a valid question, and one that is addressed slightly more academically bySherry Turkle. I believe Losse’s book is more accessible possibly to a younger generation than Turkle’s book, and it is valuable as a first-person experience and individual reflection about life on-line. However, even while I appreciate the insights Losse provides, I can’t help but feel like she didn’t “infiltrate” merely to provide the insider story, but rather drank the Kool-aide and was brought into the cult for a time.

The title gives everything away with regard to how the author felt about working at Facebook. It was a bastion of boyhood, complete with the requisite adolescent fantasy of refrigerators filled with sugary, caffeinated beverages and bins of every kind of snack food and candy an eleven year old might dream of. She was the lone seeker of fresh fruit, which she describes as most often rotting before it was consumed. Then, there were the cartoon-graffiti pictures on the walls, including those exaggerating the female form for the male gaze. It is as if Ms. Losse saw herself as the Wendy to the lost boys. She not only describes her “female” suggestion of real food but also remarks at one point, “You can’t run a successful company with boys alone,” referring to her role as one of the few females in the office. Facebook is described as a gadget-filled, bed-time-less and far from wholesome Neverland, and Losse is the stand-in mother.

The more obvious things about Facebook that we all likely know already (or suspect) are included in the book, as well. Facts and figures about time women spend studying other women’s profiles and pictures versus the lack of time spent by men pursuing such activities are provided. The more esoteric information Losse shares includes Facebook’s policy around group pages, and how they determine whether a group is a hate group or not. We don’t have to wonder about why teens and twenty-somethings post drunken photos on Facebook; the activity is something Facebook employees do, and, well, they have good jobs, right? The “fun” it seems everyone is having working at Facebook is also debunked as it becomes clear that more often than not the male employees have fun, and the women do the menial, hourly paid work. Additionally, everyone is expected to wear company shirts for photo ops, and there is never, ever a company event or even normal work day when photos and videos are not taken for posting on the site. Employees were encouraged to not just blur, but rather erase the line between their personal lives and professional lives.

Like Losse, this is my criticism of Facebook. My college freshman daughter believes that because her friends from high school (who are at other colleges) are posting pictures and status’ depicting “fun, fun, fun,” that she’s the only one of her friends who has rough days being far away from home on her own for the first time. I asked her whether she ever posted anything authentic and genuine or that might demonstrate emotions such as insecurity or sadness (or anything other than sarcasm or utter joy). She realized that since she never admits to any of these human, emerging-adult kinds of emotions, that it is likely her friends also feel them and don’t post them. Losse actually experimented with posting less-than-ecstatic snippets of thoughts, and found that no one noticed, or that they brushed it off. While their comments were good-natured, they were still snide and didn’t address the actual emotional content of her original message.

(IN THE INTEREST OF FULL DISCLOSURE, I CLOSED MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT MONTHS AGO. AND, YES, I KNOW HOW TO REALLY CLOSE OUT AN ACCOUNT “FOR REAL” AND COMPLETELY. I ALSO KNOW NOW, TOO, THAT FACEBOOK MAY STILL RETAIN CERTAIN PIECES OF INFORMATION ABOUT ME EVEN THOUGH I DELETED INFORMATION FROM EVERY CATEGORY AND “UNFRIENDED” EVERYONE IN MY LIST BEFORE CLOSING THE ACCOUNT. OH, AND FACEBOOK EMPLOYEES CAN (AND DO) ACCESS ANY ACCOUNT THEY WANT, INCLUDING WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT WERE “PRIVATE” E-MAILS THROUGH THE SITE.)

Some portions of this review sound negative and like I’m harping on the author. This is not my intention, as I think Losse’s book is a memoir that speaks significantly about important issues related to social networks and our on-line lives today. She points out the sexism rampant at Facebook, especially in its early days. Today, (we can hope) that the teams of lawyers have at least included a sexual harassment policy in an employee handbook. I’m sure stockholders wouldn’t be too happy if this wasn’t something that was not only included, but also enforced to some degree. Maybe a few more of the paintings have been retired to men’s restrooms (as if that makes it any better). While writers (and reviewers) certainly aim for clarity, the “loss of the true intention” is something that digital communication (e-mail, Facebook posts, texts and Tweets) has brought to our world. Losse shares a valid and poignant view of what this means to an individual person, which I believe is her over-arching point: the loss of the meaning of and value of whole, real, complicated human friendship and interaction and what this means for our individual and collective futures. Eventually, as biological creatures, we all need sleep and nutritious food. We must determine for ourselves whether we want a boy king running things or whether we’re actually ready for the “wild rumpus” to end.

THE BOY KINGS: A JOURNEY INTO THE HEART OF THE SOCIAL NETWORK by Katherine Losse, 2012, is available from Free Press(a division of Simon and Schuster)

First published: http://www.hercircleezine.com/2012/10/01/the-boy-kings-a-journey-into-the-heart-of-the-social-network-by-katherine-losse/